


Dimitri's New Groove

by Icarusflies



Category: Emperor's New Groove (2000), Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen, Llamas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 05:38:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20737097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icarusflies/pseuds/Icarusflies
Summary: Dimitri is the King of Faerghus, but his haunted and erratic behavior has convinced Edelgard that it is her time to take the throne. Along with her henchman, Hubert, she concocts an assassination plot...but something goes wrong, and Dimitri finds himself transformed into a horrid monster.





	Dimitri's New Groove

**Author's Note:**

> Quick note that some of the dialogue is taken from The Emperor's New Groove. This should be obvious, but I wanted to make sure that it was stated somewhere. 
> 
> Please enjoy this wacky Fire Emblem adventure!

**Chapter One: Dimitri’s Old Groove**  
The Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, a land torn by war and heartbreak. Far in the North, the winters are as cold as discontent, and in summer the judging eye of the sun is always watching. Dimitri Blaiddyd, orphaned by a staged uprising and forced to take the country onto his wavering shoulders, was now King.  
The sun was not up when Dimitri awoke that morning, and the lanterns had long since burned out. Only the moon shone, and its silver glow was like the gleam of steel on the battlefield. Dimitri did not rest in some downy bed; no flowing silken curtains granted him privacy. He lay instead on a hard cot, barely wide enough for his war-hardened frame.  
He lay still for a little while, staring out the window at the moon. The chill night tore at old scars, and the blanket was no tourniquet for the cold. He wondered what it would like to be dead...would the ghosts that plagued him finally offer him peace as they guided him to the next realm? Or would they torment him further, tearing at his very soul until only shreds remained? He got out of bed and performed his ablutions. No one assisted him, for he wished to keep everyone away, lest they be burned by the hellfire that consumed him. When he was finished, when he was dressed in the garments of a wartime king, he strode into the dining hall. His comrades stared, though they averted their gaze when he caught them watching. Only a handful met his eye, among them Felix.  
“Boar King, are you here to root for poisonous mushrooms?” sneered Felix, though at the same time he handed Dimitri a plate of fish and root vegetables. Though rations were short, the greenhouse and nearby ponds always seemed full of provisions, and while at the front lines starvation loomed, here in the palace they were able to fill their bellies.  
It seemed that Ashe was on kitchen duty today, but that was not enough – despite the quality of the fare, Dimitri tasted nothing.  
As soon as he was finished, he walked to the reception room, the throne room, the gnarled heart of it all. He seated himself on a cold stone throne, and prepared to deal with matters of the Kingdom.  
A woman was let in. Though her demeanor was soft her eyes were hard, and she played with her long hair as she looked at Dimitri.  
Dimitri regarded her for a long minute. “What’s your name?” he asked.  
“Mercedes von Martritz,” she said with a voice that could ease a dying man’s pain. She seemed confused, distressed by Dimitri’s question.  
“What brings you here – what makes you worthy of my time?”  
“There are pirates near the coast, and they are terrorizing villages. Please, you must stop them!”  
Dimitri thought hard. He could only deploy troops once a week, if they chose to use their time fighting and not wandering around the castle. “Potentially on Sunday,” he told Mercedes.  
“I don’t think the villages can hold out that long!” cried Mercedes.  
“Sunday,” said Dimitri firmly, and gestured for Mercedes to be led out.  
The next person was led in, a tall man built like an iron door who walked without the stoop of many of the war-torn. If Mercedes’ eyes were hard, his were diamonds.  
“What’s your name?” asked Dimitri.  
“Dedue Molinaro,” Dedue replied.  
He looked familiar to Dimitri…as if in another world, another time, they had been brothers. The feeling passed.  
“What brings you here – what makes you worthy of my time?”  
“I am from Duscur and-”  
Dimitri no longer heard Dedue. His mind was instead drawn to old memories, to screams and blood and agonizing loss. To ghosts. To regret.  
“Go!” he cried, slamming his fist down on the arm of his throne. “Go now!”  
“But-” said Dedue.  
“I said get out!” The guards gathered around Dedue, who had the common sense to leave without conflict.  
Dimitri, his head swarming with unquenchable cries for vengeance, stumbled back to his room and collapsed onto his bed. 

**Chapter Two: The King’s Advisor**  
Edelgard had been waiting for her chance. As soon as Dimitri’s footsteps faded down the hall, she emerged from the darkness and threw herself upon the throne. She should have been Emperor, but torn away from the Adrestrian Empire she no longer had claim to any throne (the current war was with her uncle, Lord Arundel, who had seized power). She worked currently as the King’s advisor, though Dimitri took her advice maddeningly rarely. Someday, she would rule it all. That day was drawing steadily closer.  
Hubert, the advisor’s advisor and general henchman, appeared out of nowhere, standing next to the throne and clasping his hands behind his back.  
The guards, who were a) used to this and b) too scared of Hubert to protest, sent in the next petitioner.  
Edelgard didn’t pay attention to a word he was saying. Some nonsense about being out of food, and would they _please_ he _begged_ of her send two tomatoes and an Airmid Pike…it would solve all their problems.  
Edelgard thought about the injustices of the world, of how the church and the nobility had brought Fódlan to its knees. She would change that someday…but in the meantime all these little problems, little people, were wastes of time. Their desires could not be sated, and each resource given to them was taken away from those who could really make a difference. In frustration she blurted out, “It’s no concern of mine if your family has…what was it again?”  
“Umm…two tomatoes and an Airmid Pike?”  
“You really should have thought of that before you let the nobility determine your fate and became peasants!”  
The hungry peasant was escorted out.  
Edelgard sighed. If she was only ruler of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus everything would be different. She knew the country’s weaknesses and how to solve them. She knew she could win the hearts of the people in a minute. Her only obstacle was Dimitri, dear Dimitri. He meant well, but he was going to drag the nation down into stagnation with him, lock it in a rigor mortis grasp. Her advice was the only thing keeping him from falling over the edge.  
Dimitri cleared his throat, and Edelgard looked at him defiantly. She had been warned not to take on any of the business of state, but it was her destiny to bring Fódlan to a new golden age.  
“El,” Dimitri began, “You can’t keep doing this.”  
“Doing what?” asked Edelgard sweetly.  
“To boil it down…you’re in my chair. You’re trying to fill my shoes, and I’m still wearing them. As a result…I don’t know how to put this gently El, and it’s not a time for gentleness, you’re fired. I cannot risk your ‘advice’ anymore.”  
“Fired? What do you mean fired?” spat Edelgard, immediately enraged. “I’m all that’s keeping this country together!”  
Dimitri crossed his arms. “I mean fired. Removed from your position. Put under arrest for your own safety. Do you need me to elaborate?”  
“You’ve gone mad!” exclaimed Edelgard.  
“You’re still in my chair.”  
Edelgard did not move, nor did she speak.  
Dimitri turned to Hubert, whose clasped hands now held a dagger behind his back.  
“So, Hubert…she’ll listen to you. Tell me…who needs to move, to stop trying to take the throne.”  
“Don’t speak of Lady Edelgard in such a demeaning way!” growled Hubert. “You should submit to your fate and become a puppet king…everyone would be happier that way. Or better yet…simply step down.”  
Edelgard stood up. “No…let’s go Hubert. It’s not worth fighting.” She strode away. She had called Dimitri’s bluff – he would not arrest her…this time.

**Chapter Three: The Thorn in the Lion’s Paw**  
Edelgard did not need to tell Hubert where to go. They went to the far reaches of the castle, and stopped before a wall. Hubert pried up a loose cobblestone. Underneath was a glowing sigil.  
“Activate the sigil, Hubert!” said Edelgard.  
He bowed to her, gesturing for her to step onto the sigil. She did, and Hubert followed. A minute later they reappeared, dripping wet. “Why do we even have that sigil?” asked Edelgard, exasperated.  
Hubert took up a different stone, revealing a different sigil.  
This time they found themselves in the laboratory.  
Edelgard turned to Hubert. “I hate to say this…but Dimitri must die.”  
Hubert managed not to grin, but only barely. “Oh, what a pity…” he said unconvincingly.  
Edelgard sighed. “I’m not sure why I expected you to care. How shall we do it? It should be something fitting for his position, not a dagger to the back.”  
While she talked she moved around the laboratory, looking at weapons, poisons, and grimoires. “Maybe I’ll have you turn him into an eagle, a noble bird, but I’ll clip his wings. I’ll let him see the country – I’ll have a messenger take him far and wide – but he’ll end up back on my doorstep and I’ll end it all with a blow from a hammer.”  
She threw out her arms for emphasis, and knocked a crest stone off a shelf. It blazed with energy, and a table disappeared into ash.  
“Lady Edelgard, firstly I cannot turn him into an eagle, I am not adept in that type of magic; secondly isn’t the eagle your sign? And thirdly, with all due respect, maybe we should just use that crest stone,” said Hubert.  
Edelgard sighed again. “You’re right, as usual. We’ll invite him for tea and end him there.”  
“I’ll run to the market and get supplies…do you want four or five star tea?”  
“Five. We’re going to do this right.”  
Hubert bowed and vanished.

**Chapter Four: Perfect Teatime**  
Dmitri had spent the rest of the day wondering if he should have held his tongue. Edelgard had been through as much, if not more, than he had. If she hadn’t stepped in, he never would have seen the petitioners at all, so perhaps her guidance was better than the nothingness Dimitri’s retreat left behind him.  
Edelgard snuck up on him, lost in thought as he was.  
“Dimitri,” she said.  
He whirled around, pressing a knife to her throat. He quickly let it fall when he saw who it was.  
Edelgard did not even flinch. “Dimitri, I demand that you join me for tea later this afternoon. We have things we must discuss.”  
Dimitri nodded. He wasn’t in the mood for tea, and he rarely was, but he felt he owed Edelgard that much. 

The tea was held in the garden. It was somewhat cold and dreary, but Hubert had called upon the absolute reaches of his restorative magical knowledge and so at least the flowers were grudgingly alive.  
A few minutes before Dimitri was set to arrive, Edelgard and Hubert conspired in the garden. Hubert kept annoyingly warping back to the kitchen, where he was preparing something.  
“Is everything ready?” asked Edelgard.  
“Yes. I have some cakes and scones, and I also prepared a flank steak if people want some real food after that.”  
“How rare is the steak?” asked Edelgard, getting sidetracked despite herself.  
“Bleeding. The only way to eat meat,” said Hubert.  
“Hubert, that’s how you gave half the camp food poisoning two months ago,” said Edelgard. “Cook it for another ten minutes…no, wait. We’re not talking about this. Is everything ready? You know…”  
“Right. The crest stone. The crest stone for Dimitri, the crest stone chosen especially to kill Dimitri, Dimitri’s crest stone. That crest stone?”  
“Yes. That crest stone.”  
“It’s all taken care of,” said Hubert, and bowed. Edelgard idly thought that he resembled a drinking bird at times with all that bowing, but then snapped back to attention  
“Excellent! You’ll use it on his drink, and then I’ll propose a toast, and he will be dead before the steak can kill him.”  
“Which is a real shame because while I haven’t mastered seasoning, I really thought the steak turned out well,” said Hubert with such a minute degree of sullenness that anyone other than Edelgard would have missed it.  
At that moment, Dimitri showed up. He looked at Hubert. “Does he have to be here?” he asked Edelgard. “Can’t it just be us talking?”  
“You pulled a knife on me earlier…how do I know you won’t do it again? No, Hubert stays,” said Edelgard.  
Dimitri acknowledged that that was reasonable, and nodded, though he still wished Hubert would leave. A man like Hubert should be short and scuttling…he shouldn’t loom at 6’2” the way he was doing now.  
“Hubert, how about pouring some tea for the King?” asked Edelgard sweetly.  
Hubert wasn’t going to do anything stupid, like use the crest stone on one cup of tea and risk getting it mixed up with Edelgard’s (Hubert didn’t like tea and he wasn’t properly part of the tea party anyway), so he had put the whole stone into the teapot ahead of time. Any liquid that came out would be imbued with the power of the crest. If he had put the steak back on the flame like Edelgard had commanded it might have started burning and distracted him, but he still preferred it bloody, no matter what anyone else said.  
Dimitri took the tea, not making eye contact with Hubert.  
Hubert then poured a cup of tea for Edelgard, though she knew not to drink it.  
Dimitri breathed in the steam. “What blend is this? It smells divine.”  
Before either Hubert or Edelgard could answer, he took a sip.  
There was a blinding flash of light and a smell like flesh being putrefied by a vicious venom. A purple haze filled the garden, killing all the flowers where it touched them.  
Hubert held his breath…if he breathed in any of the mist there was a good chance he would be as dead as those flowers. Edelgard did the same.  
The haze cleared, and revealed a charred husk, a teacup still held in one blackened hand.  
Edelgard put her hands to her face. She hadn’t meant for Dimitri to meet his end like this. She must not give into sentimentality and wish for him to live again – his death was a necessary evil, and even if he had met a bad end it didn’t make that end any less vital.  
“We will give him a proper burial,” said Edelgard. “What happened to him, Hubert?”  
“One of Lord Arundel’s assassins got lucky. He was trying to turn Dimitri into one of his horrible slithering experiments. You arrived a minute too late to save him, but you mortally wounded the assassin, and sent him back to Arundel with his own heart in his mouth as a warning.”  
Edelgard nodded slowly. “I can work with that. Now then-”  
A crackling sound came from the charred husk that was once Dimitri. Edelgard and Hubert both grew silent, their eyes locked on it.  
Segments of the shell fell away, revealing a beast below it, a crest-born beast of fearsome visage and horrid rage, a-”  
“Is that a…llama?” asked Hubert incredulously.  
“I think…it is,” said Edelgard with equal surprise.  
“What kind of tea did you say this was?” asked Dimitri. He now did resemble a llama, though he had elements of an isopodic shell, and rocky outcrops on his flanks. His eyes burned red. But he was definitely a llama.  
“Why is he a llama, and not dead?” asked Edelgard.  
Hubert rubbed his chin. “I think it must be his own crest interacting with the crest stone. If someone lacking a crest, such as myself, had drunk the tea, they would be dead. However his crest saved him, leaving him transformed instead.”  
“That won’t do at all!” Edelgard snatched up the tea tray, dumping tea cakes onto the ground. She slammed this as hard as she could into Dimitri’s head.  
Dimitri passed out.  
“Hubert, take him away from here and finish the job. I cannot watch him die twice.”  
Hubert bowed, and Edelgard quickly walked away.

**Chapter Five: Crisis of Conscience**  
“I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time,” said Hubert, his smile so wide it was practically falling off his face. He would take Dimitri to the edge of the castle grounds, kill him, and pass him off as one of the beasts that frequently assaulted the fortress. He didn’t care about Edelgard’s - no, with Dimitri out of the way she was Her Majesty now. He didn’t care about Her Majesty’s wish for a respectable burial, he thought it was a waste of time. He warped himself and Dimitri away, and regarded the transformed prince.  
Of course, his conscience had to choose now to manifest…he must have breathed some of the crest fumes after all. A version of himself as a Bishop appeared on his right shoulder, and a version of himself as a Dark Mage (his standard attire) on the other. The Dark Mage immediately cast Death on the Bishop, and the Bishop vanished with a very unBishoply curse. The Dark Mage then turned to Hubert. “We both know it would be great fun to end Dimitri…but is it really in Her Majesty’s best interests?”  
“Why wouldn’t it be? She is Emperor, as she was born to be. She will bring Fódlan to a new enlightened age. Dimitri was in the way at best, and a deathly threat at worst,” said Hubert.  
The Dark Mage shook his head. “What if Her Majesty has regrets? What if after some time she decides it would be better for Dimitri to abdicate? That he should be returned to himself? Think about it…won’t there be questions that even you two will have a hard time answering if the King goes missing?”  
Hubert shifted anxiously. “Perhaps a dead King isn’t what’s needed right now after all…I don’t have to decide now. I can stick him in the dungeons and bribe the jailer and return to this problem at my leisure. Her Majesty will never know, unless she needs to know.”  
The Dark Mage vanished, and Hubert turned his attention back to Dimitri. He picked him up, straining slightly under the llama’s weight. Just as he was about to warp them both to the dungeons, Hubert sneezed. Some of the ash left over from Dimitri’s vile chrysalis had gotten into his nose. As a result, Dimitri was warped somewhere, but Hubert stayed where he was.  
Hubert did not exactly panic, but his heart rate went up considerably and he broke out in a cold sweat. Dimitri could be anywhere, and Hubert had no way of finding him. He took a few deep breaths. Dimitri was a crest beast. He would be hunted down on sight. Besides, he had been warped randomly – he was probably dead, for real this time. There was no danger, and Her Majesty would never know.  
Hubert warped himself back inside the castle. There was a coronation to plan. 

**Chapter Six: Llamentations**  
Dimitri awoke slowly. His head hurt, and his body felt like all the pieces had been mixed up and put back together in the wrong order. He had vague memories of tea with Edelgard, and then nothing. There was a clip-clop, clip-clop sound, and wheels grumbling as they rolled over rough terrain.  
An acrid burnt smell hung heavy in the air, not the tang of recent flame, but heavy ash and all that remains.  
Dimitri realized he was sitting in the back of a cart, along with a number of sizable odds and ends. How had he ended up there? He growled low in his throat. Hubert. It had to be Hubert.  
The driver of the cart heard the growl. The cart skidded to a stop, and in one motion the driver had scooped up the axe lying next to him and leapt so that he was in front of Dimitri.  
“Die, beast!” growled the driver, who Dimitri recognized as being Dedue, the man from Duscur.  
“What is the meaning of this? Kidnapping and murdering your king? Have you no pride? Have you no shame?” asked Dimitri, drawing himself up to his full height, which seemed somewhat shorter than usual, and also rather wobbly.  
“I’ve never heard a crest beast speak before…” muttered Dedue, tightening his hold on his axe. “Their vileness increases every day.” He swung the axe at Dimitri, who tumbled off the cart. “Is it regicide you’re after? What did Hubert promise you? I should have known when you came to petition me that all was not well.”  
Dedue lowered his axe slightly. “Who…do you think you are?” he asked.  
“Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, King of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus!” declared Dmitiri, getting onto all fours without thinking about it.  
“Take a look at your reflection in my axe,” said Dedue, holding out the blade.  
Dimitri stretched out his long neck and peered at his reflection. He turned his head left. He turned his head right. The abomination in the axe turned its head as well. He looked down at his feet and saw nothing but hooves and a fuzzy chest.  
“What…what…” stammered Dimitri. “What did you do to me?”  
“I did nothing to you,” said Dedue.  
“You transformed me, kidnapped me, and were planning to kill me!” said Dimitri, enraged. “Well…if you turn me back I promise to have mercy!”  
“I did nothing to you,” repeated Dedue.  
“It has to be you! You’re working with Hubert!”  
“Who is Hubert?” asked Dedue, exasperated. He believed at this point that he did indeed have the King of Faerghus, transformed into a llama on the back of his cart, but he still didn’t understand what was going on.  
“Hubert is a treacherous lapdog who has been known to bite the hand that feeds him…except if it’s Edelgard’s. I can’t imagine she’s in on this. She’s ambitious yes, but to do this to me? Her sense of humor isn’t that sick.”  
Dedue let Dimitri ramble on. He had his own choice to make here. There was a possibility that Edelgard would be more receptive to Dedue’s requests than Dimitri was. This request, the one Dimitri wouldn’t even hear out, was essentially to pardon Duscur – the people (the few that remained) had suffered enough for a crime they had not committed. Though there would certainly still be prejudice, the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus’ leader forgiving Duscur would facilitate the healing process. If Dedue brought Dimitri to Edelgard (who Dedue had inferred had taken power from Dimitri), it would likely sweeten the deal for her. The question was whether or not she wanted Dimitri…or his corpse. He’d help Dimitri back to the palace for now, and figure out whether to kill him later.  
“Your Highness,” said Dedue, “I will not pretend to know what has happened, but if you need assistance in regaining your throne, I am at your service.”  
Dimitri regarded Dedue. “Very well,” he said. “Let us depart at once.”

**Chapter Seven: Coronation**  
It had been surprisingly easy to convince everyone that Dimitri was dead. Edelgard had given a heartfelt eulogy, speaking of fond childhood moments and comradery on the battlefield. Hubert listened, out of sight from the throng of mourners. He knew most of them didn’t care that Dimitri was dead; he was difficult to be around, and pushed others away. Everyone walked on eggshells around him. This was just a formality. But as Edelgard spoke, the more Hubert’s thoughts raced, his mouth went dry, and he had to wonder…what if Dimitri came back? He forced the fear away. He could show no sign of weakness before Edelgard, who knew him well enough to guess if there was a problem.  
Almost immediately after the funeral (Edelgard had said that Dimitri had been turned into dust before her eyes, so there was no body to bury) was the coronation.  
No one told Edelgard she had to get down from the throne. Though she wore a somber façade, Hubert saw the faintest hint of a smile. The music droned, music sacred to the church that would soon be swept under the rug of history. Edelgard’s uncle was not the true enemy here…  
When she had a free moment, Edelgard found Hubert. “Dimitri is dead, right? Tell me Dimitri’s dead. I need to hear these words.”  
Hubert frequently lied to Edelgard as long as to do so would be in her best interest, but he didn’t think he could keep this a secret for long. “Do you need to hear all those words exactly?” he asked.  
The blade of Edelgard’s axe was suddenly against Hubert’s throat. “He’s still alive?”  
“Well, he’s not as dead as we would have hoped.” Hubert grimaced.  
“Hubert!” hissed Edelgard.  
“Just thought I’d give you a heads-up in case Dimitri ever came back.”  
Edelgard went white. “He can’t come back!”  
“After that lovely eulogy? It would be a crime,” said Hubert.  
“You think?” snarled Edelgard. “You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we’re through. Now let’s move!”  
Hubert bowed, and the two of them vanished.

**Chapter Eight: The Blue Lions**  
“Something’s not right,” said Felix. “This doesn’t feel like the proper ending for the Boar King.”  
He was standing with Annette, Ashe, and Sylvain.  
“Show some respect, Felix,” said Ashe, though he clearly hesitated to speak against the hot-tempered noble. “Dimitri’s dead. They wouldn’t lie about something like that.”  
Felix snorted. “Listen to yourself talk. ‘They’ have everything to gain and nothing to lose by taking Dimitri from the throne.”  
“So he’s dead then,” said Ashe.  
“I’m with Felix. There’s a huge amount of magical residue in the garden…along with a couple of scones,” said Annette. “Something happened there, but I have a feeling it wasn’t fatal.”  
“Well what are we waiting for? We have to save Dimitri!” said Sylvain.  
“Ingrid is already searching for him on her pegasus,” said Felix. “Mercedes is still rattled that Dimitri didn’t recognize her earlier, and will be staying here with Annette.  
“I’m not staying here!” exclaimed Annette.  
“Annette, you and Mercedes are the only ones here who can actually use magic. If something happened here, you have to find out what,” said Sylvain, surprisingly sensibly. “Besides…your pretty faces-” added Sylvain less sensibly, cut off by a sharp jab from Felix.  
“There’s no time to waste. We’ll meet up with Ingrid outside and be on our way,” said Felix.  
The group went their separate ways.

**Chapter Nine: A Perilous Journey**  
It should have been a simple trip back to the castle – a matter of retracing steps – but the Great Bridge of Myrddin was being used as a battlefield and could not be crossed, so Dedue and Dimitri had to take the long way around. The path was too rough and treacherous for Dedue’s cart, so they walked. Dimitri was still getting the hang of walking on four legs, and he frequently stumbled. For a long while, they walked in silence.  
Then, Dimitri, who was not naïve, bolted. He knew that any benefits of traveling with Dedue were not worth the risk of betrayal. He would have better luck on his own. He crashed into the undergrowth, and before long found himself in the depths of the forest. There was no sign of Dedue. He walked a little further, and then hid next to a fallen log. He needed some time to think. Lacking a dramatic voiceover that would sum everything up, Dimitri had to do all the hard work himself.  
As soon as he tried to reflect on his predicament, ghosts swam before his eyes. Everyone he had ever lost, everyone who had ever given up their lives for him, they reached through his corneas and tore at his brain.  
If they had never gone to Duscur, everything would have been alright. Dimitri’s father would be alive. His stepmother would not have disappeared. Glenn and all the others…  
Dimitri leaned heavily against the log next to him. The log growled.  
Dimitri scrambled to his feet.  
A beast emerged from the ground, a massive abomination infected by the power of a crest, or perhaps a buried relic. It opened up two sets of jaws and roared. Dimitri bolted once again. The beast pursued. More monstrosities emerged from the ground and joined in the chase. Dimitri was slightly faster than they were, as they ‘lumbered’ more than ‘sprinted’ but he wasn’t fast enough to gain a real lead.  
It didn’t matter anyway – before long he was backed against a cliff, a raging river rife with sharp rocks far, far below him. At the best of times, Dimitri could only take out a beast by himself in two or three turns (depending on how many crystals it had). These looked like two-crystal beasts, and there were a lot of them. He also didn’t have a sword, or a proficiency in unarmed combat (not that he had arms right now). This was the end of Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd.

Dedue came out of nowhere, swinging on a rope that he had tied to a nearby tree. He snatched Dimitri up, but clearly underestimated the llama-king’s weight. While he was aiming for a protrusion of land out of the crest-beasts’ reach, they lost momentum and swung back, getting tangled in the rope in such a way that they were tied to the tree. This was too much weight for the cliff they were on, and the tree started plummeting towards the river below.  
The tree (now a log) crashed down. Neither Dimitri nor Dedue were harmed. Dedue could see in front of them, while Dimitri could not.  
“Uh-oh,” muttered Dedue.  
“Don’t tell me. We’re about to go over a huge waterfall,” said Dimitri.  
“Yes.”  
“Undoubtedly sharp rocks at the bottom?”  
“Most likely.”  
Dimitri took as deep a breath as he could while he was partially submerged. “Bring it on.”  
They reached the waterfall and plummeted, the rope coming loose as the wood splintered apart. Sothis smiled upon them – they were not impaled by sharp rocks – but when Dedue grabbed Dimitri and swam to shore, he found that the transfigured king was not breathing.

**Chapter Ten: Whatever Happened to the Golden Deer?**  
In the Alliance lands, Claude sipped some tea. “I sure hope nothing that would threaten us is happening over in the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus,” he said, and sipped his tea again.  
“I’m sure it’s fine,” said Hilda. “We don’t have to do anything.”  
“Why won’t anyone go to dinner with me?” lamented Lorenz.

**Chapter Eleven: Two Trains Passing in the Night**  
“Let’s be on our way,” said Edelgard. She was dressed in sporty travelling gear, but she still carried her axe. Hubert carried everything else. There was a lot of stuff – camping gear; rations; assassination gear (Hubert never went anywhere without it); concoctions; some bullion Edelgard had forgotten to remove from her inventory; a special crest seal for Hubert, who needed it to wield Thyrsus; Thyrsus; and assorted odds and ends.  
Needless to say, they did not move very fast.  
Edelgard had come up with a plan to find Dimitri, and that plan was to look randomly in the wilderness until they found him. He would not be near one of the battlefields, and that narrowed down the search area considerably. It was still a lot of ground to cover, so they’d better get started.

Just as Hubert and Edelgard made their way out of sight of the castle, the Blue Lions were implementing their plan. Ingrid had not found any trace of Dimitri, so they were going to have to search at random. They doubted he’d be near one of the battlefields, so he must be in the wilderness somewhere – that would also explain why Ingrid couldn’t find him.  
They carefully crossed a long and rotting bridge. Ashe kept his eyes closed and held on to Sylvain’s shoulder. Sylvain tried to close _his_ eyes and hold on to Felix, but quickly reconsidered.  
They managed to cross without incident, and entered the forest.  
Felix slashed their path clear, demolishing grasping vines and prickly branches.  
They were going to find Dimitri or die trying.

**Chapter Twelve: C-Support**  
Dedue put his ear against Dimitri’s chest. He had a heartbeat, but he was not breathing. Dedue had a few choices here. He was not going to perform mouth-to-mouth on a llama (king or no) unless it was really necessary.  
Was it even in his best interests to resuscitate Dimitri?  
Why did he think that Edelgard would be more receptive to his pleas? Her mother had perished in Duscur along with Dimitri’s father. And if Dimitri could overcome the ghosts that blocked his view of Duscur (for Dedue could see ghosts as well) he might be kind…kinder than he had heard Edelgard to be. He didn’t have to make his decision yet anyway; everything would come to a head at the castle.  
Whether it was in his best interests or not, it felt wrong to let Dimitri perish. Dedue rolled Dimitri onto his back, and then struck a mighty blow to his chest.  
Dimitri coughed up water and then greedily sucked in air.  
“Come on. Let’s get you back to the castle,” said Dedue.

**Chapter Thirteen: Crest of Death**  
Annette, still cranky about being left behind, made her way to the garden. Mercedes was already there, examining a scone.  
“Mercie! Please tell me you found something,” said Annette.  
“Whoever baked these scones was not much of a pastry chef,” said Mercedes. “They’re hard as rocks.”  
Annette sighed. “You know I was so excited to fight pirates today. I thought for sure Dimitri would give us the go-ahead. Not looking at scones and wondering if Dimitri is alive or dead.”  
“Annie, don’t give up hope! I found things other than scones. Look at these flowers here.”  
Annette crouched next to Mercedes and looked at some dead flowers. They waited in silence for a moment and then: “Mercie, they’re dead. What am I supposed to be seeing?”  
“Look at the petals…there’s a pattern etched there.”  
Annette gasped. “It looks like a crest!”  
“We should take it to Hanneman,” said Mercedes. She quickly picked the flowers and they made their way to the old professor’s room.  
“Professor?” called Annette.  
“Annette? Is that you?” replied Hanneman, poking his head out from around a bookshelf.  
“And Mercedes,” said Mercedes. “We have a crest problem.”  
“Well, I can probably help with that. Annette, you have the Crest of Dominic, correct? And Mercedes, the Crest of Lamine?”  
“Actually we need you to analyze these flowers – a crest may have been used on them and we need to know which it was.”  
“That’s a little unorthodox,” said Hanneman, but he carefully took the flowers and examined their petals.  
“Oh my!” he exclaimed. “This appears to be the work of the Crest of Kuzco.”  
“The Crest of Kuzco?” asked Annette.  
“Yes, the Crest of Kuzco. There are only anecdotal tales told of it, but it is a very dangerous crest. I do not believe there are any living wielders…or at least any human ones. There may be a crest stone. I accidentally found my way into a wonderful hidden laboratory one time which had an astonishing collection, but I was chased out by a wave of tangible ill intent before I could look at anything.” He nodded sagely. “I haven’t been able to find it since.”  
Annette and Mercedes looked at each other.  
“Mercie, it is up to us to find that crest stone,” said Annette.  
“We’ll do it, Annie,” said Mercedes.

**Chapter Fourteen: The Black Eagles**  
The Black Eagles had been kept in limbo ever since Edelgard had been taken to the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus. None of them were willing to fight for Arundel, but they did not have the strength to rise against him on their own.  
Ferdinand paced ceaselessly. “What will Edelgard do without me? That Hubert is probably giving her advice, and no doubt it is bad. His heart is as black as his coffee. I tried to put some milk in it once and he refused to drink it. But I digress! Edelgard will be helpless without my good guidance.”  
Linhardt yawned, but his eyes were bloodshot. “Things that Slither in the Dark run rampant. I am afraid to close my eyes at night,” he said in a conversational tone.  
“They rasp around outside my room,” added Bernadetta, trembling.  
“I don’t hear anything!” said Caspar loudly.  
“Dear Edi has gotten herself into some trouble…we’ll just have to hope she’s not a tragic hero…though those are most common in opera,” said Dorothea.  
“We have strength. We will make victory. The time is not yet correct, so we wait,” declared Petra.  
So they waited.

**Chapter Fifteen: B-Support **  
Dedue and Dimitri walked along in silence again, but this time Dimitri did not attempt to escape into the wilderness.  
They reached a bridge. It looked utterly unable to support either of their weights, especially not Dedue.  
He started walking on it unconcernedly. Dimitri cautiously followed.  
When they reached the middle the bridge broke (completely unsurprisingly).  
Dedue and Dimitri plummeted, finding themselves by pure chance wedged together with their feet pressed against the walls. Below was certain death – sharps rocks and wandering crest beasts. However there were also ropes dangling from the damaged bridge above – if either Dedue or Dimitri let the other fall, they would be able to grab one with very little trouble.  
“If we brace our legs and move in synch, we can walk up the cliff,” said Dimitri. This was a prisoner’s dilemma situation, and he was going to take the high road if he could.  
“I was thinking the same thing,” said Dedue. “Right legs on three….one…two…”  
They each took a step at the same time. Nothing dreadful happened, even though scorpions and bats lurked nearby. They took another step.  
Slowly but surely, they made their way up the cliff, grabbing ropes and swinging the rest of the way to where they wanted to go.  
“I don’t know about you, but I’m starving,” said Dedue.  
Dimitri hadn’t thought about it, but now that he did, he was quite hungry. He expected Dedue to hunt something, but instead Dedue pointed to a restaurant sitting in the middle of the undergrowth. “Let’s eat here.”

**Chapter Sixteen: A Balanced Meal**  
Dedue and Dimitri sat down, Dimitri masked by Dedue’s travelling cloak. They held menus up over their faces so they wouldn’t be recognized – Dimitri because he was a llama, and Dedue because the residents of Duscur were still heavily shunned.

Edelgard and Hubert entered. Hubert was quite out of breath, but he was trying not to show it. He was half-heartedly wondering if he should complain about the establishment and try to find somewhere better, but he was tired and hungry and didn’t want to wander around the forest for several hours in search of somewhere worthy of Edelgard. Hubert dumped all the stuff he was carrying into a booth next to him (minus his crest seal which he always had on him) and he and Edelgard sat down. They started looking at the menus, holding them up so their faces were obscured.

Felix, Sylvain, and Ashe entered (Ingrid stayed outside with her pegasus and asked them to bring her something). They slid into a booth and looked at what there was to eat. 

The Blue Lions were served first.  
“This…is inedible,” said Felix.  
“Agreed,” said Sylvain.  
“I’ll go to the kitchen and talk to the cook,” said Ashe.  
The cook had died, and was lying on the floor. Ashe bit his lip. This was not good at all. He decided he would cook for a while until he could figure out something to do.

“What’s taking so long?” asked Edelgard. “Also, I think I want to change my order.”  
“I’ll check the kitchen,” said Hubert, standing up.

“I changed my mind about my order,” said Dimitri. “I’m going to the kitchen to change it.”  
Dedue gaped at him. “Have you gone mad? You’re a llama! And we’re not here for the quality of the food, just to fill our bellies. I’m sure you can get what you want at the palace.”  
Dimitri’s llama stomach however had other ideas. He MUST get an omelet, there was no negotiating it.  
Ashe was cooking away in the kitchen.  
“Excuse me. I ordered the special. Could I have an omelet instead?” asked Dimitri, not recognizing Ashe.  
“You got it!” said Ashe, not looking away from the dish he was preparing.  
Dimitri exited, and Hubert entered.  
“Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?” asked Hubert.  
“I’ll have to charge you full price,” said Ashe.  
“Oh,” said Hubert, and went to confer with Edelgard.  
“Could I actually get a side of potatoes?” asked Dimitri, entering the kitchen again.  
“You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?” asked Ashe, but Dimitri had already left.  
“Thank you. Cheddar will be fine,” said Hubert, who had returned from talking with Edelgard.  
“Cheddar spuds, coming up!” said Ashe, but Hubert had already left.  
“Spuds yes, cheddar no,” said Dimitri.  
Dedue was watching Dimitri come and go with some concern. He did not recognize Hubert.  
“Hold the cheese,” said Ashe.  
“No, she wants cheese,” said Hubert.  
“Cheese it is,” said Ashe.  
“No, I don’t like cheese,” said Dimitri.  
“Cheese out,” said Ashe.  
“Yes cheese,” said Hubert, who was rather exasperated.  
“Please make up your mind!” said Ashe, who was getting stressed.  
“Okay, on second thought…” said Dimitri.  
“Make the potatoes a salad,” said Hubert and Dimitri at the same time.  
Hubert spun around to look at Dimitri and his eyes widened.  
Dimitri bolted.  
Hubert pursued. “Your Majesty!” he yelled as he passed Edelgard, and she joined in the chase.  
“Hey, they must be the ones that did this to Dimitri! Get them!” yelled Sylvain, and he and Felix joined in the chase.  
Dedue looked on in horror, and started running as well.  
Ingrid and Ashe stayed behind because Ingrid’s pegasus got sick eating part of a discarded salad while Ingrid wasn’t paying attention, and Ashe was still cooking.

**Chapter Seventeen: Car Chase Without the Cars**  
Dimitri ran for dear life, Hubert on his tail. Hubert threw bolts of dark magic at him, vile spells that shriveled plants and made the air shiver.  
Dimitri stopped short. Hubert did not stop on time, and Dimitri kicked him hard in the stomach with one of his hooves. Hubert collapsed, winded.  
Edelgard jumped over the fallen Hubert without a backwards glance, brandishing her axe. Dimitri started running again.  
Sylvain tackled her. “You know, this could have been pretty romantic if you weren’t trying to kill Dimitri,” he said.  
Edelgard elbowed him in the face and got back to her feet. Hubert, too, was standing upright again, though he was a little wobbly.  
Noticing Felix coming after them with his sword, Edelgard and Hubert started running again.  
Dedue and Dimitri crossed _yet another_ bridge, Dedue cutting the ropes behind them. The bridge collapsed, leaving everyone else on the other side. They continued to run until they vanished into the forest. This was the fastest route to the castle – they would arrive back before anyone else.

Hubert and Edelgard stopped before the ravine the bridge had formerly crossed. They were backed against it, cornered by Felix and Sylvain. Edelgard readied her axe. Dark magic crackled between Hubert’s fingertips. It would be a fight to remember.

**Chapter Eighteen: Just Desserts**  
Dimitri knew about the secret lab, as well as some secret passageways that would get them into the castle. Activating the sigil, Dimitri and Dedue found themselves in the lab…face to face with Hubert and Edelgard.  
“What? How? How did you get here before us? What about your memorable fight with Felix and Sylvain?” asked Dimitri.  
“I know Warp,” said Hubert dryly.  
That was a valid point.  
Dedue saw a shelf of crest stones and started rummaging through it, despite not having the slightest idea what he was looking for.  
Edelgard laughed. “You’ll never find the stone you’re looking for because it’s right….here?”  
“Looking for this?” asked Annette, wiggling the Crest of Kuzco in the air.  
“Hubert, get it!” yelled Edelgard.  
Hubert charged Annette, but Annette threw the stone to Mercedes.  
Hubert charged Mercedes, but Mercedes threw the stone to Annette.  
Edelgard, extremely frustrated, yelled, “Hubert! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing! It’s like I’m talking to a crest beast!”  
Hubert reeled. “Excuse me, Your Majesty?”  
“A too-tall stupid crest beast named Hubert!”  
Hubert put a hand to his head.  
“And you know something else?” Edelgard hissed. “You couldn’t cook a steak to save your life.”  
Hubert began to cry. He went and sat in a corner.  
Dedue took this opportunity to grab Edelgard, restraining her while Annette and Mercedes prepared to turn Dimitri back into a human.  
“This shouldn’t be hard…just activate it with your hoof and-”  
Hubert suddenly warped in front of Mercedes, and snatched the crest stone. “I might not be able to cook a steak, but I can kill a king,” he hissed.  
“No!” said Dimitri, and threw himself in front of Dedue (earning an A-support in the process), who dropped Edelgard. Annette and Mercedes, brave though they were, knew that getting in the way of an activated crest stone would be, quite simply, bad, and they left quickly.  
Hubert was too far gone to think through what he was doing. He crushed the crest stone in his fist. There was a roaring noise, and smoke filled the room.  
Dimitri, Edelgard, and Hubert screamed.  
When the smoke cleared, Dimitri was no longer a llama. He laughed, but he laughed harder when he saw what had become of Edelgard and Hubert.  
Edelgard had plumage, and death in her eyes, but she was far from the Black Eagle she was associated with. She was, instead, a rather charming white duck. She quacked furiously and tried to bite Dimitri’s boot.  
Hubert had been turned into a tarantula, large and fuzzy and scuttling. He waved his legs angrily, but could do no more than that when Dimitri picked him up.  
“I think we’re done here,” said Dimitri.

**Chapter Nineteen: Happily Ever After**  
“…and Duscur is pardoned for the crimes it did not commit,” finished Dimitri. The proclamation would be spread throughout the land, and while it certainly wouldn’t solve all of Duscur’s problems, it would be a start.  
Dedue, who had decided to stay on and assist with the war efforts, gave the slightest smile.  
Dimitri was ready to win this war. He had made an alliance with Claude, and his Golden Deer. He had also, with much negotiating, enlisted the assistance of the remaining Black Eagles (though he had not revealed Edelgard’s fate).  
Edelgard was currently floating in the fish pond, biting people who got too close and loudly declaiming Dimitri as a usurper to the throne.  
Hubert was in a tank on Dimitri’s desk, whispering constant threats. Some of them were quite creative.  
Someday Dimitri might turn them back – Edelgard deserved better – but for now it was a righteous punishment.  
The end was near. There would be peace in Fódlan at last. The ghosts smiled upon Dimitri, who smiled back.


End file.
